By: Natalia Domkina
We are all
looking for love. And when we start a relationship, develop strong
feelings, we are sure that we love that person. If that relationship
hurt us, we get an idea that love can cause suffering, and maybe even
sickness.
Indeed, your
relationship might be sick. But probably, it's more correct to call it not
"love", but "addiction".
The signs of
addiction in a relationship
Addiction in
a relationship is a permanent concentration of thoughts on a
"beloved" person and addiction with them. The addiction relationship
to a considerable extent determines the emotional and the physical condition,
their capacity for work and relationships with other people. So as a matter of
fact, the whole life of an addicted person is determined by these
relationships. And the influence from that relationship is not always the best.
It makes a person more unhappy than happy.
But when a
person isn’t happy in solitude, they have the hope to find happiness
in these relationships! They hoped that all their emotional suffering, lack of
self-confidence, all complexes will be cured by that love. And perhaps for the
first time they thought so. But that feeling didn't last long. Showed up
fights, misunderstandings, discontent of "object of affections" and
yourself. The person, without not even noticing, suffers even more than they
did in singleness. And in the future is unavoidable parting and a new
great pain…
Why does it
happen with everyone? And does repeat again and again in a new relationship?
It happens,
because that person, at this stage of their life is addicted.
They met at
school, were dreaming to get married. After school they began to live together.
He was everything to her. She was quite good at drawing and dreamt of
being a designer. But she didn’t apply to any university, because one
might study a lot, focus on subjects, but it would take her attention from him.
And he is the most important in her life. He is her goal and meaning of
life. She lives for him. She started to work to support both of them. He
applied to prestigious university. Like this they lived for 7 years. She
worked, he studied at university, and after somewhere else. She took care of
him, gave him maximum comfort in life and it was the meaning of her life. He
graduated, got a highly paid job and a month after left her. It was like a bolt
from the blue for her - everything was so good! Later she tried to kill
herself. Doctors saved her. After hospital, her life was grey, useless,
purposeless - because she didn’t have him anymore. In the end
everything returned to normal. But it didn’t happen straight away. It was a
long road. But when she lost him, she got faith and self-confidence...
The essence
of an addicted relationship is that an addicted person feels
defective. They need to occupy themselves with the other person. It’s almost a
matter of life and death. These kind of people are ready to endure any
attitude, rather than being rejected, just not to be alone. Love
in an addicted relationship is a way of compensating self-appraisal.
And a partner is an object, which intended to supplement this deficiency to the
complete "I am".
These
statements belong to addicted people:
"I
don’t feel that I really live if I am not in relationship with him/her ".
"I
don’t feel as a full-fledged person without him/her ".
But this way
will never reach the goal, because it’s impossible. Addicted relationships do
notable for non saturability. The mission of the filling yourself with
another person is impracticable. Because the inner integrity can be reached
only as a result of development of internal personal resources, as a result of
development of personal connection with God. By replacing God with another person
and service to him/her to the point of forgetting everything else, doesn’t
deliver from the self-insufficiency. Not without a reason we find in
the Bible: "Thou shalt not make thee any graven image".
Addiction is a renunciation of yourself and God.
In that
relationship psychological space of one person is absorbed by the psychological
space of another one, loses his/her sovereignty. A person lives not their life
but the life of a "beloved " one. Moreover there is almost
no space for self-development.
But the
continuous and compulsory personal development is a duty of everyone. God gives
to everyone unique capabilities, that tell one from the other, and with correct
development makes a "symphony": whole-hearted, high society of
mutually complementary people. Everyone should self develop themselves and
correct these capabilities – talents – a duty of a human in front of God,
ourselves and family.
Addicted
people often say: "I live only for him/her", "I did everything
just for him/her". At the same time they don’t understand, that their
partner doesn’t need that kind of sacrifice. It doesn’t satisfy his/her
spiritual needs. Because it’s called not by love, but by the wish to be loved.
In the
addicted relationship there is no a real closeness and trust. At the same time
the relationship can be very emotional and that’s what is taken as love:
"jealousy means love". In addicted relationship people use each
other for satisfaction each other’s unconscious needs, for winning back defects
of their souls. But these needs will always be dissatisfied. As a rule,
addicted relationships evolve with several scenarios.
Rejection of
one's own sovereignty and dissolution her/his psychological space in the space
of a partner. Often the person lives with the interests of their partner:
"I live to follow his/her wishes". They transfer whole responsibility
for their life. Within that the one refuses of wishes, goals, aspirations. In
this case "partner" acts as a parent.
Absorption
of psychological space of a partner is a deprivation of their sovereignty.
In this case, the role of parent belongs to that one who is looking for love
(addicted one). Person leads and controls their partner, like parents do with a
kid. In the foundation it is "good" intention: "He/she won’t
survive without me. I know how it should be.
"I live
for him/her". The responsibility for life of "beloved one"
assumes. The absolute
possession and destruction of psychological space of love object. By assuming
power over the partner like over a thing, lets feel power and important. The
responsibility of partner’s life proclaims, but doesn’t put into effect – they
only use the partner. The partner is possible to test own possibility to rule
over, control and manage not only actions but also feelings.
Reflection
is in a partner. Addicted people usually choose the partners whose will
always show that they are an extraordinary person. He/she should admire
me, express love, long for satisfying all wishes, every day try to curry me.
He/she should prove, that I am better than anyone and deserve love. If partner
stops to be a "mirror" – they are searching for a new one. In
all these models there is no place for true closeness, responsibility, love.
The causes
of emotional dependence
Now let'
look into the causes of emotional dependence.
They are
deeply rooted in childhood. When a baby is born, the newborn depends on the
mother. Nature has provided a symbiotic relationship between mother and child,
in which they don't feel any separation from each other. This is the gift from
the nature that guarantees the baby care they need the most, the sense of
security and trust.
This stage
lasts around 9 months, until the child begins to crawl and stands on their
feet. The major task on this stage - is to establish an emotional connection
between mother and child that serves as a foundation of trust to the world and
baby's development. The kids, which fully passed those stage, that had a good
emotional connection with their parents, received plenty of love and care,
won't be afraid to explore the world, will easier make friends and open to
learning.
If something
has happened in this stage, for example, the mother was not close with a
baby, or it was strained in domestic surroundings, or was expecting a boy, but
parents got a girl etc. And there wasn’t a close emotional connection between
mother and child, the kid will never feel secure enough. Those kids are afraid
of the world and changes. They are shy and careful in any relationship
with people around. What is making it difficult to explore
the "unknown". These kids are "tied" to their parents.
Lack of love, attention and care make them vulnerable and
"bound" to their parents, and in the future to other people.
The more a
child connects to the mother and father during first days and months of life,
the easier is the process of separation between parents and kids. And that
process is necessary for the development of a full-fledged personality. This is
the next stage of the development of the child.
During the
next stage, the peak fits on the age of 18-36 months the major task of
development is separating. The child has an incentive to explore the world and
to separate ("I want to do it by myself"). On this stage the child
must twice more hear "yes", than "no". The environment
should be available to explore and be safe. The parent must be near, they
should be physically and emotionally be near, provide security, but not to
limit impulse of researching. A child needs to feel that he/she can do
something by her-/himself that they are very important to their parents and
results of their activity are important and valuable as well. The child needs
to feel that even if parents are not near for a moment, they still love
them and they will come back. All those conditions are necessary in order to
later, in adulthood, the person can feel full-fledged, respect themselves and
people around, be able to have a deep emotional connection with other people,
be active and responsible in life.
If the
development went in a wrong way, the psychological birth of kid won’t happen.
He/she will stick to a dependent relationship with parents (usually with
the mother), will have high level of anxiety, world will scare him/her, the
impulse of research will be lower. They will have hard time to build warm relationship
with others everything will be poisoned with fear and distrust. In adulthood
they will get stronger thoughts that something is wrong with them. He/she will
not feel him-/herself as a individual person, that is able to take care of
him-/herself, responsible for acting. Those people will have relationships that
will be more or less dependent, with the other words constrained. They will be
compulsory, necessary to survive, motivated by fear of life.
At this
stage, the development doesn’t come to the end. And while one is growing
up, there are other stages they have, during those it is possible to
correct some mistakes. But if there were no correction, then an adult will have
dependent relationship with other people. If person didn’t get enough love and
care in childhood, it means the psychological separation didn’t happen between
kids and parents. The relationship with parents can be negative, can be cold
(without any emotions), or over dependent – these all are signs of no
separation. That kind of person with not satisfied need in love, will
"stick" with other people.
The
foundation of a dependent relationship is fear in life, lack of
self-confidence, inferiority complex, high level of anxiety. Searching for love
will be an obsessive need for survival. The anxiety and instability, which one
will have because of continuous conflict between a need in love and certainty
about that they don’t deserve a real love, make their yearning for getting love
from other person and filling by him/her their own self comes the major and
obsessive goal (purpose?) in life.
Comparison
of addiction and love
And here is
the story about real love:
After five
years after Epiphany, God has given me a gift - I've met my soul mate, my man
from God. It's impossible to compare with anything. In that relationship there
were almost no passion, but there were warmth, light and freedom. In that
relationship I've become more free than being single. I've lost my fears, that
I had so many before the world has become much brighter. People with whom I was
in touch on that moment, said that I radiate warmth. And more than that I've
felt the stream of divine stream serpentine on me. He felt the same.
I felt God
in my soul, I didn't just believe, I felt Him, I felt his presence. I felt that
I am in God's will and this is a real happiness. It is surprisingly quiet
happiness without passions. It is some kind of power, confidence and knowledge
that this is by God's will. Felt like I don't need anything else.
The
relationship with husband was wonderful: there were no explanations: he
understood everything without words. It was a feeling of resonance inside, so
absolute acceptance. And here in full measure it was implemented the concept -
the family is like a church. It was exactly like that. We both felt God between
us.
True, I
don’t know why I have got this gift. What have I done to deserve it.. But later
my husband passed away. And what was wonderful – there was no emptiness, there
was gratitude for this meeting. I didn’t feel devastation after this. I still
felt the feeling of God inside. The feeling of presence God and Holy energy
were still here.
What is the
difference between addiction (dependent relationship) and love?
To have a deep emotional connection with the other person is possible only after acquiring psychological autonomy. That relationship distinguished with the feeling of joy, that comes from couple, and freedom. The motivation of getting that relationship is always love. The deep sensation of partner, collaboration and trust distinguish that kind of relationship.
To have a deep emotional connection with the other person is possible only after acquiring psychological autonomy. That relationship distinguished with the feeling of joy, that comes from couple, and freedom. The motivation of getting that relationship is always love. The deep sensation of partner, collaboration and trust distinguish that kind of relationship.
Respect to
your own and somebody else's boundaries and needs - peculiarity of those
relationship. The mature love says: "I will do everything that I can to
help you optimally realize your aptitudes, even if it means that you should be
far from me and do something without me". In mature relationship there is
always a big space for a gratification your own needs, achievement your own
goals and personal growth. In that relationship there is always a place for
God.
True love
isn’t acquisitive love. True love respects and admires partner. True love
doesn’t use partner for satisfaction of your own needs. In dependent
relationship the partner treats takes as ownership.
True love
gives the feeling of fulfillment and harmony in life. There is to little
anxiety and hostility. In a (dependent relationship there is no feeling of
contentment and harmony. There are much of discontent frustration and
suppressed anger, many complaints to each other.
Truly loving
partners are independent from each other, autonomous, are not jealous, but at
the same time they try to help one to another to get self-actualization, proud
of his/her victories, they are generous and caring. Mature love says: "I
can live without you, but I love you and I want to be close." Dependent people
are "solid" with each other, none of them has own psychological area.
They are jealous, acquisitive, they can't live without each other - their
connection is compulsory.
For true
love the ability to give without expecting anything back, - it is an expression
of strength and abundance. By giving, the mature person gets pleasure, and by
itself it is a compensation for emotional, physical and pecuniary costs. The
person who inclined to make a dependent relationship, orientated on love –
transaction, love – service. They don’t want to give without expecting anything
in return, and when they give they feel like they were used, devastated,
deceived.
Mature,
adult person knows his/her partner and realistically appraises their personality.
Moreover he/she appreciate them they way they are, and helps them to grow their
personality and reveal, and not for the partner serves him/her. Addicted person
cannot accept the partner the way they are. And one always tries to teach and
remake them suitable for him/her.
Mature
person respects their partner, their psychological space and borders. Love is
born from freedom and can’t exist in captivity. With the offense against the
liberty of a person, the love is disappeared. In a dependent
relationship the psychological borders violate, there is no respect to a
partner and their psychological borders. The "sprouts " of love (if
they were there) fade. The personal
responsibility is an integral part of mature love. In dependent relationship
own responsibility passes to a partner, or there is a hyperbolical
responsibility.
• Spiritual mature person is ready to understand and accept another person the
way he/she is, with all their strengths and weaknesses.
• Spiritual mature person wants to have a partner that can be trusted and who
will trust, by sharing thoughts and feelings, needs and likings for something.
They want to be with someone, who can be that one you can rely on and they can
support as well.
• Mature person strives for that kind of relationship where both partners have
the opportunity of complete disclosure of individuality and live in love with
each other. Spiritually mature person refers to personal growth and development
as seriously as to their own. They are ready and able to agree with their
partner, become support without losing own individuality and without letting do
a harm to it.
• Spiritually mature person is ready to have a responsibility for his own and
partner's life.
• Spiritually mature person knows, that nothing in this world lasts forever, and
this is not going to affect on their responsibility and love, and they are
grateful for every day of life.
Appears from
the above, the love is relationship between mature, spiritually ripe and
independent people. Every person (no matter what kind of childhood they had)
can overcome their inclination to dependence and learn how to love truly.
Translated
by Angelika Drigo & Samantha Chivers
